Classic Series - The Darrien Experience

Again, continuing with my classic series, I've decided that some of my old masterpieces need homes on the world wide web so here is another:

The Darrien Experience
This is a story about an incident that occurred with my roommate and I and a buddy of hers while trying to get to a beach. My roommate who I will call “honeybrown” (stealing the nik from El Rob) had a friend visiting her from Canada who I will call “whitey” and if you’re lucky I might get around to posting why I call him that one day soon. Whitey was staying with us for three weeks and during that time I think it is safe to say that he had an awesome time and lots of stories to tell. This story however is special because of all of the other stories, I would have to say it is this one that creates the most emotion for me when I tell it.

My girlfriend Reyna invited the three of us to stay at her place one Saturday night so that we can wake up super early and leave from her house to go spend all of Sunday at the beach. As Canadians, we love the beach and so naturally, we were sold on the idea. Sunday morning came around and we got up early to get dressed for the beach (I had a green bikini and really cute little green sundress and honeybrown had on similar attire but in a fun orange color I believe), pack Reyna’s car and head out to a nearby supermarket to fill up a cooler before heading out. On the way to the supermarket Reyna tells us that she has a few other friends who are going to be coming in their own cars. Ok…sounds cool so far. So we get to the supermarket and she tells us to go ahead inside and buy what we need to while she parks her car and looks for her friends in the parking lot who were apparently waiting for us there. No problem. We find what we need at the supermarket and are heading outside when we realize that Reyna is nowhere to be found. Scratching our heads, puzzled at the idea that she would just leave a bunch of foreigners there, I called her cellphone. Turns out that she went back home to go park her car because her friend has a giant vehicle that we can call fit in and go in together. Ok…I’m not panicking yet. A few minutes and half a bag of melted ice later, we are waiting as she shows up in a giant old forerunner and introduces us to this ugly fat man who was actually really nice so we piled into the car and headed out. Realizing how hot the sun was we were all very excited for the beach but tired from the activities of the previous night so we decided to close our eyes and get a tiny nap fit into the schedule since we weren’t driving.

I woke up an hour later and realized that we should have been at the beach by then or at LEAST be somewhere where we can see the coast. But that wasn’t the case. All I saw were trees. So I asked Reyna where we were going and she just smiled and said “oh he has a farm that is going to be much more fun than the beach…..A FARM?? What the hell?? First of all, we are Canadian….we know farm life….and if we wanted farm life, we would have been in Canada. Secondly, we are in bikinis and sundresses and sandles…do we look like we want to go to a farm?! NO. We planned on the beach, we were told we were going to a beach and so we stayed at her house so it would be convenient to go to a beach. Mierda.

I think I made it pretty obvious that I was not impressed. I sat back and glared at her as she talked up this farm making it sound so fun and exciting because he had horses. I love horses, don’t get me wrong. But not that day I didn’t. How rude of them to change the plans like that without even consulting us! I was insulted and embarrassed because at the time honeybrown and whitey spoke almost no Spanish between the two of them so I had to explain the change in plans that my girlfriend went ahead with (since Reyna speaks no English). Their faces dropped much the same way mine did when I heard that. But what could we do? We couldn’t tell them to pull over and get out of the car. We had no idea where we were. In fact, when we asked where we were and where this farm is, the answer bewildered me even more….Darrien…also known as the province nobody goes to. Darrien is a large province in southern Panama that actually connects with the Colombian border. This is a no-go zone because of all the guerilla warefare going on and the extreme stuff that tourists want no part of, going on at the boarder. Any foreigner can read from any travel book to stay far away from this area as it is known for kidnappings of foreigners. And this farm was right smack in the middle of this province. Hell, in a sense, was this not a kidnapping? We were all so pissed that I don’t think we spoke 2 more words the entire way to where we were going.

Suddenly, the vehicle stops somewhere in the jungle next to a brook where 3 or 4 of the ugliest, dirtiest horses I’ve seen in a long time were standing. As if this couldn’t get any better the guy driving says this is as far as the car will take us. What the hell? I stood there in amazement as these people actually expected me to jump on one of these horses and follow them…in my sundress, bikini and sandals. Call us picky and no fun but screw that. So I asked how far we were going and if we could just walk it. “SURE!” the guy says…”It’s just like 5 or 10mins up that hill”. Ok fine, we discussed sitting in the stream and sipping on beer from our cooler and waiting out the day there until they were done enjoying the farm but realized that we are the better people here because after what they just did to us, we were actually still trying to be considerate. I look back and laugh.

That stream looked like the closest thing we were going to get to a beach and if we had half a brain we would have stayed there and waited and made them feel bad for doing that to us by not going and sitting and sulking. Hahaha But no…we tried to make the best of it. We started walking and everyone else took off on the horses. There was a path but nobody waited to make sure we were ok on that path. A 5min walk soon turned into a 35min hike knee-deep in horse shit….yes folks….horseshit. I wish I were kidding or even exaggerating. By the time we got to the “farm” everyone who went on horses had finished a few beers, were cooking a meal and laying in hammocks watching us and laughing.

I don’t think there are words to describe the mixed emotions I felt at the moment I arrived at the farmhouse. I was so upset I wanted to cry. I was pissed off cause we were not at a beach and had no say in it. I was tired from the hike in the sun, suffering from a sprained ankle, COVERED in horse shit and panicking because I’ve been told that in places like that people catch random diseases like Dingue, and I was oh so pissed off at the smiling faces we met up with at the house. They were laughing at us! Unbelievable! Oh and it’s also worth noting that honeybrown at this point started hyperventilating and laughing at the same time as tears ran down her face because she has issues with gross things between out toes. Considering we had flimsy sandals on that wound up getting lost or caught in the horseshit as we trudged through it (and we were certainly not going to go digging for it with our hands), the ickiness between the toes was unavoidable.
Needless to say on the way back we took horses…..so not impressed. Lesson learned? Don’t count on Reyna to do what you want to do. I know that sounds harsh because she really is a nice, sweet person. But she also showed me her inconsiderate and rude side that day as she pursued her own interests alone (because this guy who owned the farm was ugly and fat but rich and hitting on her). Panamanian women LOVE attention so much that they would do things like that to their foreign friends. Unbelievable.

Coming up next: The Laundry Incident...